Along with the turkey, serving up conversations that are
more meaningful than tedious or volatile can be the most
nourishing gift you offer relatives and friends this
Thanksgiving. Doing so can save the day - not to mention
numerous gatherings to come during the six-week holiday season
- while providing lasting memories.
Focusing on
conversation is an ideal way to unwind and connect to family,
says Debbie Mandel, a Lawrence-based fitness and stress
management expert.
**Debbie Mandel Qoute**"So many people enter
this time of year stressed about meals and gifts and who will
sit with whom at the table that they forget to interact with
their family," says Mandel, author of "Turn on Your Inner
Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul" (Busy Bee Group). "And
yet the conversation should be the focal point. If you keep in
mind that the goal is to have fun and create a warm, loving
environment that connects your past and present, it won't even
matter if the food isn't perfect because that's not what
people will remember; they'll remember the
conversation."In order to make that happen, though,
whether you're hosting or a guest, you'll have to do some
pre-meal planning.
Come armed with topics
Often
the guests will be people you haven't seen in a while, which
can make conversation awkward and lead to small talk about the
weather, says Debra Fine, author of "The Fine Art of Small
Talk" (Hyperion). And when the gathering is intergenerational,
she says, kids often get left out after the obligatory
questions from adults about school and sports.
To help
stimulate a discussion that every generation can engage in,
Fine suggests preparing a few ice breakers so you're not
struggling to think of a topic at the
table.
Talk-inducing topics include trips, home repair
work, new babies, or books, movies and entertainers everyone
is talking about, says Susan Newman, a social pychologist at
Rutgers University and author of "The Book of NO: 250 Ways to
Say It - and Mean It and Stop People-Pleasing Forever"
(McGraw-Hill).
Another appropriate seasonal
conversation starter is sharing what you're thankful for. Fine
suggests setting aside time at the beginning of the meal or in
between courses to let everyone speak.
A sure-fire way
to keep the dialogue flowing is to take advantage of the
generational mix by asking older family members to share
traditions they experienced as children, adds Newman. Funny
and poignant stories of past holidays are likely to be
remembered and appreciated by guests of all
ages.
Steering the dialogue
Or think of an
entertaining question to engage everyone. Elisabeth Elman
Feldman, senior vice president of TBC, a public relations and
advertising firm in Manhattan, says each year at her family's
Thanksgiving celebration - which includes 16 family members
and six friends - they pose a thoughtful query to each person
at the table.
"One year, the question was, 'If you
could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be
and why?' Last year, I came up with 10 or so different
questions and put one under each person's plate," says
Feldman. "We went around and answered questions like, 'Tell us
something about the person next to you that no one else at
this table knows,' or 'Use five words to describe
yourself.'"
Feldman says that at first people
complained about the game, but now they look forward to it
each year. But she has rules: If someone doesn't want to
answer their question, they can sing a song instead. Some
guests just excuse themselves to the bathroom.
"It
sounds a little corny, but we have all different ages at our
Thanksgiving table, so it's a fun way to get everyone
involved. It keeps us at the table longer, the kids are as
involved as the adults, and I always learn something new about
the others," she says.
Topics to avoid
Along
with the planning, families should have some rules. For
instance, Fine warns about of hot-button issues like politics
and personal topics, that can lead to controversy. "People do
it all the time: 'When are you getting married?' 'When are you
going to make me a grandma?' This puts pressure on people in
front of the group," Fine says. "Sometimes it's a matter of
how you phrase things. Asking someone about their job is an
innocent question. But if you haven't spoken in a year, they
could have been fired since then. A better approach is to ask
them to bring you up to date. Ask, 'What has been happening
since the last time I saw you?'"
Of course, here, too,
groundwork can help, says Newman. "By far the best way to
ensure a topic will not come up is to tell your mother, for
example, in advance that you will not discuss your weight
during a holiday meal or any time; the same goes for your
social life or your job if these are areas that are bound to
lead to confrontation and argument in your family. And if
Uncle Charlie or Aunt Sarah unknowingly brings up something
you don't care to talk about in front of everyone, say
politely and with a smile, 'That subject is off limits today.'
If someone persists, be firm; 'Seriously, no, I simply can't
discuss it.'"
Defusing problems
This approach
can work well with topics like religion and politics, says Don
Gabor, a communications consultant in Brooklyn and author of
"Speaking Your Mind in 101 Difficult Situations" (Conversation
Arts Media). For several years Gabor says he served as the
referee between his parents' and brother-in-law's "extreme
arguments and verbal barrages about politics."
