How to Find a Soul Mate Instead of a Cell Mate
By Debbie Mandel
Falling in love has been described as a thrilling adventure, a fluttering emotion and the ultimate life force. Thatís why I wonder why the term, ďfalling in love,Ē is used to describe such a positive love relationship. It implies tripping, getting hurt, not mindful of where we are going. Some of the physical accompaniments of being love sick like butterflies in the stomach, a fever, a tightening in the throat, or a deep ache donít sound too inviting either Ė quite the opposite of joy and contentment. What is love and can it last?
For example, Prince Charles and Diana were married in a storybook wedding. Diana was young and beautiful, and adored Charles. She tried hard to please him. However, the two soon became cell mates leading to the sad and untimely death of Princess Di. In contrast, surviving a thirty year romance, potentially blocked by royal duties and the harsh opinion of the British people, Camilla and Prince Charles have finally wed. Camilla expressing herself with an easy smile and comfortable with her matronly body, is clearly Prince Charlesí soul mate.
Love can take you on an immense compassionate journey out of yourself in order to find your higher self Ė your soul mate. However, your soul mate is not found in a significant other, but exists inside you. The role of the person you fall in love with is to support you with kindness and constructive emotional communication to help you realize who you are. He or she can help you appreciate and fulfill yourself Ė to be at peace. When you are in love, happy and content, you experience a good relationship with yourself - your love partner becomes an added bonus. When you realize that no one can complete you, but yourself, then all the people you meet complete you because you are open and receptive to integrating their love and their words.
Or love can lead you on a harsh journey to a narrow confining cell where you live with your cell mate whose approval and demands you must meet in order to get what you need to exist: tit for tat. In other words: You give me this and I will give you that. If I say no or express my true feelings, you will respond in anger, resentment or freeze me out. As a result, I lose myself and mirror my self-worth in you, seeking your approval and validation. When you withhold your approval, it is like the sun has stopped shining and my heart constricts. I no longer have an independent identity, apart from you.
Love doesnít cause you to fall down, constrict your caloric intake or make demands. Love flies freely and will always find its way home. Even if the door is locked, love will find an open window to enter. Love is eye to eye: I to I.
Here are some suggestions for finding a soul mate.
- When someone rejects you, deactivate the thought that you are a victim and unworthy and that no one will ever love you again. Instead realize that everyone doesnít have to love you; yes, it would be nice if everyone loved you, but it is quite unrealistic. However, if you love who you are and who you can become, you wonít need to be loved by another person. Love will come to you because it is free flowing. Itís like waiting for that proverbial bus; when you stop waiting anxiously, the bus comes.
- Donít manipulate another trying to ensnare him or her in a relationship by pretending to be what your love object wants. Because once you have successfully hunted your partner with pretense, now what? Are you prepared to act that role for the rest of your life?
- Express your true feelings. If you donít want to do something, donít. When you decide not to do something for your significant other, it doesnít mean that you donít love him. Likewise if he says no to you, it doesnít mean that he doesnít love you.
- Stop qualifying your honest statements; it means that you need the approval of others when in actuality it is your own approval that you need. You donít have to justify yourself.
- When you give a gift, give it freely. No strings attached, only because it makes you feel happy to give it. If not, give yourself that gift instead.
Debbie Mandel, MA is the author of Turn On Your Inner Light: Fitness for Body, Mind and Soul, a stress-reduction specialist, motivational speaker, a personal trainer and mind/body lecturer. She is the host of the weekly Turn On Your Inner Light Show on WGBB AM1240 in New York City , produces a weekly wellness newsletter, and has been featured on radio/ TV and print media. To learn more visit: www.turnonyourinnerlight.com